I don’t like Nascar racing. I think it is dumb. Not only do I think it’s dumb, but I surmise that there must be millions of people who agree with me. I know this seems kinda shallow compared to hating some big overwhelming evil that I can’t hope to do anything about like Martha Stuart or getting ice when I specifically told that illiterate piece of shit NO FUCKING ICE!!!!

Anyway, I still hate Nascar racing. For that matter any auto racing of any kind…except demolition derbies, which aren’t really racing at all, unless you think of them as a race to see who can live the longest while setting as many other cars on fire, which isn’t really racing in it’s purest form.

From what I gather, there’s like different kinds of racing depending on what car you’re in. I guess there’s Indy racing and stock car racing and Nascar racing and probably some other boring racing. Is it really different watching a bunch of Indy cars go in circles compared to a bunch of slightly different looking cars going in circles? About as different as watching the Rocky Mountains erode compared to the Appellation Mountains (those are the crappy mountains in the east).

I tried to think of what could possibly be captivating about cars going around an ellipse (that’s the shape that’s like an oval). The only thing that comes to mind is either the pretty colors from the excessive advertisements on the cars, those really quick pit crew guys, or the occasional accidents. Ahhh yes. The accidents. Now will someone tell me what makes people turn their heads in disgust when they see two people kissing, but make them stare with amazement at a car flipped over with two people trapped in the wreck? It’s just a hunch, but I’m guessing it’s the same part that makes people watch pro wrestling (that’s that show where those big guys pretend to hurt each other).

If are watching 3 hours of circling machinery waiting for a crash I have a list of crap you could watch that would give you a better "stuff getting hurt" to "boring crap" ratio.

• The TV show "When coyotes attack small children", parts one through three on FOX
• Your drunken next door neighbor Bill.
• The History channel on world domination night.
• An intense game of Risk or Monopoly
• Me working on my computer.
• Schindler’s List
• A rabid anything.
• A young child trying to learn how to ride a bicycle.
• The TV show "When roadkill dies during the scariest police chases, because of America’s stupid criminals", part one through three on FOX. (Catch it during sweeps week)

I guess I could find auto racing interesting if they didn’t always do the same things. Here is a list of crap I think they should do with auto racing.

• Give the racers whips and/or spears
• Have a car and driver that everyone hates and wants to lose like a Hitler look-a-like in his Fuhrer-mobile
• Let the winner run the losers over in a monster truck.
• Let the fans throw land mines onto the track when things get slow.
• Find a way to incorporate turnbuckles.
• Give the racers cybernetic implants.
• Put huge blades on the hubcaps ala Ben Her.
• Have the racers race in attempt to get away from something nasty like a pulsating black globe of anti matter or something that will suck the slower cars into an ethereal void.
• Have the racers draw straws for which car they get. Loser gets the Gremlin. Winner gets a train or something.
• Make cars able to perform wrestling moves to other cars.
• Let the winner drive into a pit of candy.
• Have half of the cars going one way and the other half going the other way.
• Get the pope to drive.
• Make the drivers drink a gallon of prune juice before racing. Give them some incentive to finish.
• Make each of the drivers take a "mystery drug" before racing. I hate to see the guy who gets LSD.
• Bring back the Mach-5!
• Have more jumps/loops.
• Select people off the street to race instead of professionals.
• More fire spewing funny cars!
• Make the drivers enter and exit their cars ala Dukes of Hazard, a.k.a. through the window.
• Incorporate more fire.